Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
