areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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