i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
