party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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