Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
