Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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