God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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