Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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