i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
