I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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