i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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