I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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