Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
