i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
