I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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