wanna go halves on a baby?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
