I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
