I faked an abortion last night.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
