Will you blow on my dice?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
