I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
