I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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