Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
