I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
