I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
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Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
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I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again