My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times