so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
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Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?