I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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