just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
