your parents love me but you hate me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
