trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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