"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
