I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
