Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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