I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
