I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
