My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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