On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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