Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
