I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
