I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
