coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
