Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
