he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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