My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
