is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
