i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
