No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
