Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
