Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
