well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
