apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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