Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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