We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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