We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
