Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
