i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
