Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize