I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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