i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
