I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
