how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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