Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
