my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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